An eclectic mix of short articles by Celia Turner.
Wednesday, 29 March 2017
The Isle of May.
Headline: March 29th 2019. The Isle of May.
Despite two years of tough negotiation the nation finds itself broken, hungry, skint and scared.
The cost of our dairy and meat products have surged, the price of an average carrot is now 90p. There has been no asparagus in the shops at all. An iceberg lettuce is a relic from 2016, never to adorn a prawn cocktail ever again. Prawns are as rare as hen's teeth anyway so maybe that's not too much of a problem.
Our cattle have suffered a catastrophe as there are no vets to inoculate them or treat them when ill.
The fruit available is well and truly manky as the pickers went home leaving the scrumpers to raid the fruit bowl of the land.
A cheap flight to Portugal now costs an average of £999 return but no-one is going on holiday as there is no healthcare provision should they fall ill. (And the foreigners hate us)
Everyone knows someone who has had their personal data hacked- the tech industry is in technical meltdown.
Canary Wharf stands eerily silent as the bankers have fled tatty London Town.
Northern Ireland seems to be doing well though, about time that lot had a break. Black market goods are freely flowing across the soft border and they have a surplus of spuds!
The deficit which has always been huge is now humongous as Davis got bored negotiating and gave out a £50 billion bung.
There have been near riots at the school gates as parents refuse to kit their kids out in the required school uniform which has soared in price since the days of cheap imported clothes. Long gone are the days of a uniform to last a term- we are back to the days of trousers and skirts 'that will last.'
The joy of going out to dinner has gone completely, well unless a curry or a Chinese is your thing, then you are laughing.
German beer and French wine are off the shelves, priced completely out of reach but never mind.